Half a life together
15 lessons on long-term love from a 15-year relationship
Welcome to Too Much, the newsletter about big feelings, by someone with very big feelings (journalist, editor & writer, Arielle Steele).
This month marks two very important anniversaries in my life. The first, on the 18th, is my 30th birthday. I’m not sure why we collectively chose 30 to be such an important birthday. It seems quite random and arbitrary. But you better believe I will be rinsing it and celebrating it with all I have. I’m excited to enter into my thirties. It really doesn’t fill me with dread in the slightest. In many ways, life has become harder with each passing year (more responsibilities, pressures, death and heartbreak), but it has also become fuller (more love, memories, confidence and appreciation for the good moments). I’m embracing it all.
The other momentous anniversary falls somewhere between the 22nd and the 26th of February (we always forget the date, because that’s just what we’re like). Whichever date it is exactly, it commemorates 15 years since a floppy-haired boy called Laurie earnestly asked me to be his girlfriend in the middle of my parents’ staircase. We have been together ever since (except for one month not long after, when he broke up with me to “focus on his GCSEs”, but we’ll ignore that). That is half my life loving someone, and being loved right back.
I promise I’m not writing this with any hint of smugness. “Ooooh look at me and my super-healthy long-standing relationship.” (Vom). Yes, I have been known to ruin dinner parties by looking around at all the couples and sighing: “Statistically, half of us aren’t going to make it.” But I have always included my own relationship in that potential category. I have never thought, “we are different”, because I know that’s both naive and arrogant. Life comes at you fast, and although our love is solid, I’m under no illusion that it’s immune to falling apart. We’ve had enough wobbles in those 15 years for me to realise that nothing is guaranteed, things happen, shit gets hard. In the same way I refer to imaginary future kids, I sometimes refer to Laurie’s younger hotter girlfriend, and say things like, “well, maybe your next wife will go with you.” He hates it. But I’m not even trying to be contrary. You might call it negative. I call it realistic.
But it’s why, actually, I think we have lasted as long as we have. Because as much as our love feels unconditional, I’m very aware that it actually isn’t - nor should it be. We shouldn’t just hurtle down the tracks simply because we hopped on the train and think we have no other option but to keep going. We should look out the window, pause at each stop, and think, “Hmmm, is this still working?” And if not: “What can we do to make it work a little better?” Sometimes we think, “Shall I get off?” but then decide after careful consideration that it’s really much warmer and lovelier on the train, so we continue on.
Train metaphors aside, our 15-year anniversary has got me thinking about what it really takes to keep love alive. How did we get here? Why did we get here? And is there anything I have learned in these 15 years that might be a tiny bit helpful for anyone else?
Once again, I don’t want to come across as patronising. I don’t claim to have all the answers, nor do I think our relationship is perfect. We bicker incessantly and argue regularly. We can be extremely stubborn and impatient and sometimes downright nasty to each other. Over the years, I have looked at other people’s lives - the freedom, promiscuity, the multiple love stories, started and stopped - and thought, “hey, have I missed out?” I have often wondered whether my romantic stability since teenage-hood has kept me a little too safe from the big feelings and moments that life is meant to provide.
However, I also know that long-term love is a gigantic privilege, and it’s one I try not to take for granted (though naturally, I’m human, so I sometimes do). As much as it can be annoying to receive messages like, “when are you coming home?” it’s also beautiful to receive the ones that say, “I miss you. I’ll meet you at the station.” To feel known, understood and held is something we all want, whether that’s in the form of romantic love, or some other guise. So whether you’re actively looking for it, or you want to maintain it, here are 15 things I have learned from 15 years in love.
1. Look backwards and forwards
We’re always told to live in the present. While that’s important, I also think it helps a relationship to keep one eye on the past, and one on the future. Laurie and I are very nostalgic people; we’re constantly reminiscing about the past. We recount how we met, his skateboard and my rule-following; and how we grew, all the holidays and friendships and dance-floors we found together. But we also talk about the future all the time - our hopes, values, fears and dreams. We constantly remind ourselves of where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going. We remember who we once were, and who we’re trying to become. Ultimately, I think love is just about remembering and reminding; it’s about knowing what you’re doing it for. If you feel like you’re forgetting, try looking backwards and then forwards. Trust me, it helps.
2. Skin-on-skin contact is essential
I’m not talking about sex here. I’m talking about cheeks next to cheeks. Hands in hands. Arms around waists. Our friends think it’s cringey but we always say that when we’re arguing and snapping, it’s usually because we just need some “skin-on-skin.” It’s scientifically proven; when humans touch, it releases the comfort chemical, oxytocin. We feel instantly more relaxed, bonded and connected. It really is that easy. (Bonus points for breathing in their pheromones too. It’s amazing how grounding smell can be).
3. Take an interest
Over the years, we have blended some of our hobbies. Laurie has got me into travelling, and I got him into The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. But most of our hobbies remain separated: he’s into snowboarding, marathon-running, gadgets, and gaming. I’m into Taylor Swift, books, crafting, and yoga. We meet in the middle by trying our hardest to take an interest in the other’s hobbies. We don’t bat them away when they talk excitedly about what they’re up to. We ask questions and we say things like, “that’s really cool” and “you’re so impressive”, even when we don’t really get it. You don’t need to share it, and you don’t even need to understand it. You just need to acknowledge it, and try.
4. Look beneath the surface
According to legendary relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, the best relationships still have conflict. In fact, it’s actually good to have conflict, because conflict is really just communication with a bit more spice. It shows you’re open and independent enough to express opinions and boundaries. It shows you feel safe enough to disagree and push back. However, the Gottmans also say that the secret to a good relationship is in resolving conflict.
I won’t consider an argument ‘over’ unless both Laurie and I have understood and acknowledged the other’s point of view. We might not always know the best way forward, but there is always an attempt to look beyond ourselves and try to put the defensiveness aside to see what we’re missing. We also understand that an argument is rarely about the thing you’re arguing about (like the other person not replying), and more about what lies beneath (feeling abandoned). I have to give a lot of credit to Orna Guralnik for helping us realise this. I strongly recommend watching Couples Therapy if you haven’t already - she will change your life.
5. Speak your own language
When the weather is gross, we say “it’s Lisa Grimmer outside.” When something is rubbish or annoying, we say it’s “Bov Rinder”. When we agree with a thought the other one has, we say, “I shfinx, and I shfanx.” When we do something nice for the other, we say (in a Yorkshire accent), “Is that honeymoony enough for you, love?” None of it makes sense, except it does, to us. This shared language is a dictionary of random words and phrases we’ve been collecting over the years; it represents a little universe and culture that exists only for us. I think it’s absolutely essential for closeness and intimacy.
6. Let go of perfect
I’m a perfectionist, which means I’m always trying to force perfection to exist in every aspect of my life. In the past, I have included my relationship in that. I have become upset if Laurie doesn’t behave in exactly the ways I want, or if our relationship isn’t functioning exactly as I’d like it to. Of course, it’s good to work on and improve things, but we also need to recognise that perfection is an impossible feat and a losing battle. I’m not perfect, he’s not perfect, and that’s okay. If we want someone to love us for all our imperfections, we have to get comfortable with the existence of imperfection in the first place.
7. Imagine they are a stranger
The next time you’re out in a group setting, I implore you to imagine you have never met your partner before. When you sink into the cycle of being in a relationship, it’s so easy to associate them with the socks they leave on the floor and the crisp crumbs they get all over the bed. You see them when they’re at their grossest and most annoying. So when we’re out, I do this thing where I briefly imagine that I’ve never met Laurie before. And by doing that, I see how funny he is, how warm, how attentive and curious and intelligent. I also once again notice his height, broad shoulders and blue eyes, and I think “dayum, how do I get his number?” And then I remember that we’re already married, and I feel so chuffed and grateful. (If you try this and you still find your partner repulsive, I don’t know what to tell you).
8. Embrace the seasons
The honeymoon period of a relationship feels like a long hot summer. But the further into a relationship you go, you will inevitably follow the cycles of life - there will be periods of deep winter, where stress and chaos descend, and you barely understand each other and forget why you’re together. Then there will be moments of spring - times of rebirth and renewal - where you reconnect and find your way home.
The Earth is constantly shedding and blossoming - and our love stories are no different. So don’t freak out if you hit a winter period in your relationship. Just wrap up warm, give each other grace, and do what you can to find pockets of light. People often think that long-term relationships are stagnant and stable - but it is often the opposite. Yes, you’ll hit hard times, but you can also fall in love with the same person again and again. How magical is that?
9. Depend on them
Codependence is a dirty word, but I don’t see it as a bad thing. When you’re a couple - and especially when you’re married - you have committed to coming together as a team. And what do teammates do? They depend on one another. They pick each other up. They look out for the best interests of the team, not just the individual. Of course, dependence can get hairy when you feel like you literally can’t function or make a decision about the other person. But it’s a privilege to be able to depend on someone, and it’s a privilege to be depended on. As long as it’s give-and-take, and the dependence is mutual, I think there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
10. … but lean on your village
Yes, I depend on Laurie a lot. He’s my comfort blanket, my security guard, my cheerleader and my life coach. However, he’s not the only one. I also ensure I spread my neediness around to lots of different people - including my parents, sisters and the friends I speak to daily. Codependence also becomes unhealthy when they’re the only person you depend on. It’s not fair on either one of you. Sometimes, when I’ve had one too many meltdowns and Laurie is at his wit’s end, he will simply say, “I think you should call your mum.” A delegating king! Remember, you don’t exist as an island. Make plenty of space for other loves in your life, and always make an effort with the people they love, too.
11. …and accept your limitations
The problem with becoming such a close-knit team is that it’s easy to slip into thinking that you’re the same person. When Laurie is stressed or troubled, my instinct is to want to fix it, or handle his problems in the way I would want to handle them. Except, I have to remind myself that we’re different people. As connected as we are, and as much as we attempt to read each other’s minds, we usually get it wrong. We can’t solve all our partner’s problems, and they can’t solve all of ours. In moments like these, I think it’s important to focus on what we can do: listen, support and just be there.
12. Be really fucking soppy
We all have our own boundaries and cringe-o-meters, but in my opinion, you can never give your partner too much love and affection. Tell them you love them, you’re proud of them, you think they’re cool/hot/funny/amazing - every single day. Call them cute and silly pet-names when no-one else is around: My sweet-pea. My angel. My sun, my moon, my stars. Fuck it. Life’s short, eventually they will leave or die, so why not shower them with love in the meantime?
13. Yap for days
We have this really bad habit of going to sleep extremely late on a weeknight, because we get into bed at 10pm, watch something until 11pm, and then 11pm-2am is prime chatting time. During these witching hours with the lights off, we gossip, we reminisce, we ask deep philosophical questions about the future, we process grief and trauma, and sometimes we randomly play Flo Rida songs and have a little dance party. It’s probably not the best idea, given we end up shattered the next day. But I think it’s essential to leave no stone unturned - to talk about the good, the funny, the melancholy. Maybe not the best idea in the middle of the night - but if that’s when it happens, so be it.
14. Don’t assume
Laurie continues to amaze me with the interests he gains and the opinions he has. Like when he cries at a sad scene in a movie, or gets angry about a misogynistic comment on the news. I like watching out for these moments that show me who is, right now, without assuming that I already know him back-to-front. When you’re dating someone, you’re always looking for these moments - deciding whether they’re green flags, red flags, or beige ones. I say don’t stop looking for them, even when you’re fifteen years deep. Each time you notice a new green flag, let it solidify your love for them. And if you spot any red ones… well… knowledge is power.
15. Live in the luck
As much as I have spoken about all the actions you can take to make love last, there’s something else that does at least 50% of the heavy lifting - and that’s luck. Not only do you have to be lucky enough to find someone you love, it’s lucky if they continue being the amazing person you thought they were. They could become a lying, cheating bastard, or your circumstances could force you apart, or you both just stop loving each other. Sure, some actions could be taken in an attempt to prevent these things from happening - but mostly it’s just about luck.
Change is inevitable, and that change can bring you closer (lucky) or push you further away (unlucky). Laurie still has all the qualities I loved about him when we first met, plus many more he has gained over the years. Our individual shifting and changing has worked in our collective favour. We have been lucky so far, but that doesn’t mean we always will be. When you remember that so much of life is about luck, you can embrace the unknowable magic of it all - and enjoy the lucky stuff, while you have it.
What are your biggest love lessons? Let me know in the comments!
Things I love too much…
+ Married at First Sight Australia. We’re watching this live with Australia (it’ll come to the UK at some point in the next couple of weeks) and oh lord, oh lord. I will once again, confidently, say that this is the best show on TV. It has everything I love in a show: drama, theatrics, romance, outfits, psychology, great scenery, ridiculousness, intriguing insights about humanity. This season is no different.
+ Cully & Sully Chicken and Vegetable soup. I’m not a soup person (I prefer solids, thanks) but since I’ve been largely in hibernation this year, I’ve become addicted to Jewish penicillin in the form of this creamy soup. Tastes banging, feels healthy, and is cheaper than ordering a Wagamama (my usual go-to comfort food habit…).
+ DENIAL IS A RIVER by Doechii. I haven’t fallen hard for a rap song in a long time, and yes the fact that I love this song means it’s probably now deeply uncool, but it’s a fucking chun (aka a great song - see number 5, ‘Speak your own language’). I love the humour and self-awareness. Laurie finds it hysterical that I keep sporadically bursting into this verse: I mean, fuck, I like pills, I like drugs, I like getting money, I like strippers, I like to fuck. Gotta keep things spicy somehow, amirite?!
Thank you too much for reading,
Arielle xx